How Me Writer and You Can Too
Achieve Your Dream of Becoming a Tooth-Grinding, Anxiety-Ridden Writer
Humans have a proclivity to write—it’s in our nature. Some smart people with advanced degrees say that writing evolved out of our unique capacity for symbolic thought. Take the middle finger for example, or the more relevant example of cave paintings, which enabled less obese versions of us to record events and share complex ideas. Over millennia, visual symbolic systems morphed into the full-fledged writing systems we now use to manipulate, deceive, troll and insult each other.
If you need more proof of the human desire to write, look no further than Substack where people spend hours a day on the platform in hopes of getting subscribers to not only read but value their words. Experts are still studying whether Substack is a pyramid scheme, but people seem to be enjoying themselves, so let’s leave it alone.
Point is, if you were to combine the people in the world who actively write with the people who wish they were writing, you would have more than enough people to shake a stick at. And since so many people are interested in writing, I thought I would take the time to outline some steps that will help you achieve your dream of becoming a tooth-grinding, anxiety-ridden writer.
WRITE
You’d be surprised how many aspiring writers neglect to do the thing they talk so incessantly and passionately about. In fact, research shows the most important step in becoming a professional writer is writing. If you find yourself talking about writing more than writing, I suggest flipping the script. But you’d have to write one first.
One remarkable fact about writing is that while nearly everyone finds it difficult, nearly anyone can do it. Even Jean-Dominique Bauby, the real person on which The Diving Bell and the Butterfly was based, was able to write by blinking letter by letter through the alphabet while suffering from locked-in syndrome. Dear reader, if he can blink out a book you can sit down and write with your hands a little each day. Although, to be fair, he was paralyzed so had nothing else to do.
I was a teacher before I was a writer, so when I started writing, I simply practiced what I preached and embraced the writing process which mostly revolves around the understanding that your first try sucks.
GET OUTSIDE THE BOX
You have many options here, but the goal is to discover your own way to gain a fresh perspective on this collective reality people have agreed upon—because that’s how you’ll find something worth saying. You could drink to excess, try drugs or hot yoga, climb high places, or dance while others stand still. As someone who has pickled his brain once too often, I don’t encourage alcohol as a means to artistic productivity or enlightenment, but I do know some of earliest stories would not have been written if it weren’t for cocktail napkins and coasters.
To be honest, the box is pretty small in this buttoned up, conservative culture, so it doesn’t take much to step outside it. I once wore a pair of red sunglasses to a kid’s soccer game in Lexington KY and was looked at like I just stepped off a private plane emblazoned with the word Hollywood. Granted they were women’s sunglasses but still.
SURVIVE
Avoid overdoses, alcohol poisoning, falling from high-up places, and getting hit by a bus. You might be surprised to learn that long hospital stays and death can present nearly insurmountable obstacles. There is the option of posthumous success, but it’s much colder and less gratifying than succeeding while alive. I’ve survived long enough to write this post, but there’s no telling what’s next.
MATURE
If you manage to survive long enough, try the act of maturing. For children, maturation comes with an increase in height, weight and the ability to grip a pencil. Adults mature in less visible ways, mostly in their hearts and minds if they’re lucky. When adult writers mature, they remove their heads from between their buttocks which results in them seeing that their stories should be about the wider world and not only about them and their small intestines. This is also the stage when you can more seriously intentionally build your professional network again, in part bc of the new location of your head. You can refer to my non-viral post, How to Network in 3D, for further details about networking and what to do when someone extends their hand to you in a seemingly friendly manner.
TURN OFF YOUR WIFI
Despite the allure of AI, it is not advised to allow the robots to do the work you have dedicated your life to. Sure you can noodle around with it in various ways, but there’s a tipping point with Singularity, and side effects could include: existential tics, depressed face, numb soul and suicidal caffeine intake.
BUILD A PROFESSIONAL NETWORK
Young writers are often intimidated by networking. Personally I don’t like the word because it makes me think of cold hard things with copper wires, but the truth is that there is great value in having a human network made of flesh and blood individuals who, while they may not like you, will answer an occasional email, share a coffee, and if you manage to avoid creeping them out long enough, may even read your work. The truth is that some writers are hired not because of their excellent writing but because they are easy to work with which often means they will not show their frustration at the endless string of conflicting notes that result in the project being unrecognizable.
WEAR A MOUTHGUARD
94% of writers grind their teeth while the remaining 6% have trust funds. Chances are you don’t have dental coverage, and if you do, it certainly won't cover the expense of putting crowns on your cracked teeth let alone full tooth extractions. I highly recommend good dental hygiene to all aspiring writers.
KEEP WRITING
Assuming you haven’t given up, your writing should improve thanks to the time you’ve committed, and again, because you can now see your keyboard and screen more clearly with your head in the right place. Warning: this stage occurs 6-8 years years into the journey; you’ll know it when you see it because you’ve gotten some validation from the world. Perhaps you have published a story or article or acquired some representation or at lease some legitimate close calls. In my case, I was blessed/cursed with validation when my screenplay Redmond won me $10,000 at a time when I had about a month’s rent in my bank account—blessed because it provided me with money and validation to keep writing; cursed because it provided me with money and validation to keep writing.
SHARE YOUR WORK
At some point you actually need to share your writing with other humans. Otherwise your passion and hard work will be remarkably similar to the Unibomber’s. When you do share your writing, be sure to give the person a couple of weeks before checking back in with them. And try not to be desperate, annoyed or impatient when they have not yet donated their personal time to read your work out of their kindness and generosity. Pro tip: one way to display your seriousness as a writer is to limit typos and to write well.
ACT NEWLY DANGEROUS
At this stage, a writer might choose to quit a day job, which is undeniably a terrible and dangerous idea, or perhaps write something they believe is more ‘marketable’ than their previous work. At this stage, a writer tends to assert more energy toward earning money because they’ve gone far enough down this path they are no longer sure what else to do with their lives. In my case, for example, I started a Substack.
IN THE END…
I hope this has been helpful. These are only some of the steps that will help you transition from being a gainfully employed, mildly unsatisfied person to the tooth-grinding and desperate, anxious wreck that is the professional writer.
If you really want to write a novel or a screenplay or anything else, then please be kind to yourself and either do it or let it go. I mean, even illiterate people can write now thanks to transcription software, and you don’t want to be on your death bed when you realize you totally could’ve written that series of spicy beach reads featuring the character based on your sexy plumber.
IN PERSON MEET UP ~ BROOKLYN ~ April 30th
I’m thrilled to report that our first in person meet up is approaching fast. It has evolved to be less of a Substack event and more of a gathering of my personal network of creative professionals. That said, I will be combining these worlds in the coming months with both in person and virtual meet ups. More and more I’m clear-eyed on my desire to push back on the cultural trend of isolationism and the epidemic of loneliness. I want to bring people together in a variety of ways to make our lives more joyous, productive and humane.
